Love can be found in just about every place in the world and at any time. It can be found at first sight. It can last an eternity… or sometimes just until the next morning. Many a woman (and undoubtedly several a man) has been swept off her feet at that time in their lives when their libidos are at their peek, but then again, how does this compare to other forms of love? Love such as that towards one’s relatives or towards members within one’s circle of friends? Perhaps it is time to take a closer look at the anatomy of that elusive emotional state called love.
Well in order to examine love it may be best to first consider the function through which it is formed and expressed. This is the connection or relationship which comes into existence the moment that an individual comes into contact with another upon a basis of more impact than the fleeting and the casual.
As we meet new individuals and begin to interact with them one becomes less unfamiliar with them. There comes a point in time when the unfamiliar becomes the familiar and individuals no longer classify as strangers. This fact effects the way that we interact with such individuals and such, while unique to every individual, tends to follow a certain pattern common to culture and beyond this also common to humanity itself. We might find ourselves more inclined to say hello to or afford more consideration of such individuals, perhaps associating a face to a name or knowing some common knowledge about such persons.
Relationships are also a multi-dimensional affair, as Mark Granovetter realized only too well in compiling his work on “the strength of weak ties”. One might simplistically think that the amount of time spent is what embodies the journey from the casual to the relationship. It is not so as otherwise business associates and co-workers would typically be lovers. Granovetter puts forth the idea that other factors are also to be considered such as the compatibility, intimacy and the basis upon which any exchange occurs between individuals.
This would explain why different kinds of relationships exist, manifesting upon different levels and in different ways. For example, a lover might get into bed with the self but might not be prepared to lend a thousand euros while the opposite could be true of a very good friend.
Ok so there are different kinds of relationships. So what about love in particular? What is love exactly and what is indicative of it? Well, in the less cheery topic of ‘the anatomy of grief‘ one finds a number of clues. Put very simply, the more important that the person who dies is to the self, the more likely and intensely one is to grieve.
As an individual builds a friendship with another so too does the behaviour change. Beyond mere unfamiliarity one becomes less prone to suspicion or distrust of another individual as one feels more secure around that person. The building friendship might allow for a greater degree of flexibility of roles - introducing favours, the exchange of resources, a greater investment in time - the social capital between those two individuals builds.
Such might start off as a rather self-serving exercise. A friend might be fun to be around, or might have a habit of buying drinks for oneself or might prove to be valuable as an ear to talk to or a mouth to listen to.
When good things happen to such an individual your might feel happy because it may positively affect yourself - as a promotion might mean more time to have spent with you so that you can feel bored less often. Such is a more self-centered paradigm and a lot of “friends” are like that. When lust enters the picture matters get more blurry as hormones and pleasure intermix to produce an euphoria - a drug - that often tricks people into thinking that they are falling in love. However is addiction to sexual euphoria equivalent to love? Is it love?
Taking a perpendicular turn now, we look at the love that a parent has for a child. There is certainly no comparison to the previous scenario. The parent does a lot of giving and gains happiness only through the continuity, the achievements and successes of the child in question. It is typically a more selfless endeavour and yet it is sustained.
As such, what if ‘true’ love (which perhaps should be redefined as a scale rather than a category) is a measured state of when the happiness or prosperity of another individual becomes a factor in one’s own happiness. In other words it is a twist of the self-serving system that individuals are more used to - where the benefiting of another individual may not benefit the self but indirectly still makes the self happy due to the happiness of that individual.
The intensity varies between different types of individuals. It becomes possible to love a person ‘as a friend’ since even though one might not contemplate going to bed with that person, that person’s well-being is a factor in how one feels. To claim love is also a responsibility in this day and age - many fail to understand it fully and this is why many hearts are broken.
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